Finding the 30 yr old me

So, I will be turning 30 this year and I still don't 'know' me. As said before this is the year to 'find'me and part of me is crafty. I love artsy fartsy stuff. I love country, modern, I love it all. I think it is all amazing but somehow I need to combine all of it in my life as the definition of 'me'.

There is the other part of me that craves an education further than high school but at the same point I wonder why. Is it because that is what Im suppose to do or is it because society has made me think I need this? I dont know what I would major in or what I would even begin with. I've tried the college thing atleast 3 times now and I still haven't completed a semester worth of credits.

I wonder what I would go for now but my mom is always in the back of my head telling me that I can't do it because it wont get me any where. Its the same thing she told me when I wanted to go to the Arts Magnet in High School in order to study up on playing flute and continue that into college. Who knows I could have played in a symphony or been a band teacher. Who knows? I guess I never will. Thanks, mom for your support. I can always count on you to beat me down and choose the safe path.

So now I fight with myself to let go of that past and just follow my heart and my dreams just as I will try and teach my children but its so hard to do that. Its similar to the clean plate club. Does it bother you when your children leave food on their plate but you know they will eat if they are hungry so you bite your tongue? Yeah thats where Im at with college. I feel Im too old now to follow my past dreams but what is my current dream? Do I have one past being a mother? No not really. I think the main reason I want to get some type of further education right now is just in case something ever happens to my spouse I will be able to support our family on my own. Is that a good reason? With that reason what does one go to school for? I dunno. Business I guess because its broad but god that sounds so boring and I even wonder if I can stick with it because it doesn't really interest me.

Well, I guess I will continue to ponder these question and one day I might be able to figure it out.

Until then I will continue sewing and looking at other crafty peoples blogs and see what happens.